The female orgasm was suddenly in fashion last summer, if the number of newspaper stories was any indication. Like the British say about buses, you wait for ages for one and then three come at once.

Oh dear, that wasn’t meant to be a pun.

So, what were these stories all about?

The Movie

It started in June with a movie, with the unlikely title of Good Luck to You, Leo Grande. This is the story of a 60-ish-year-old woman, widowed for two years or so, who hires a sex worker to learn more about sex.

Her husband had been of the ‘do the business and put your pyjamas on’ variety, and she felt she had missed out. Why was there such a fuss?

Among other things, she tells the sex worker that she had never had an orgasm, but this was not what was worrying her. At least ostensibly.

The movie is not primarily about orgasms or even about sex narrowly defined. Most of it concerns the two protagonists talking. And talking. And, of course, sex happens.

But it is very much about sex in the sense of two people learning about themselves and each other through their mutual interaction and intimacy.

And it is very frank about the female orgasm.

I might add that I thought it was a very good film, conveying the complexity of sexual activity and its importance to our sense of contentment with ourselves.

The Study

About two weeks later, my newspaper of choice (The Times, London) ran an article by its science editor about a study of the female orgasm, being undertaken at the University of Ottawa.

What pleased me was that the study’s population, more than 600 women, were aged 18 to 82. It was great to see some recognition of the continuation of sexual activity into our older years.

The research seemed to be principally concerned with testing the accuracy of two ‘orgasm scales’, used to measure orgasms for their ‘subjective psychological aspects’.

These were, in turn, an ‘orgasm rating scale’ and a ‘bodily sensations of orgasm’ scale. The women were asked about their experiences to see how these tallied with existing understanding.

Among other findings, the study noted that the female orgasm, as shown on the large screen, is not the norm at all.

We do not necessarily moan or scream in When Harry Met Sally style. Such ‘copulatory vocalisations’ (wonderful phrase) were voluntary and did not correlate with female pleasure.

Who would have known? Who discusses these things with anyone? My close friends would know I am acquainted with sexual pleasure (and vice versa), but we have never explored the details.

New Nomenclature

And just when I thought the topic must surely be covered for some time, yet another study was reported, this time in August, from Charles University in Prague.

Using a blue-tooth vibrator (the mind boggles) to examine the internal reactions of 54 women, age unspecified, during orgasm, they found that the actions of the pelvic floor muscles varied considerably from one woman to another.

As scientists love to catalogue and name, these researchers came up with three different types of orgasm: the avalanche, the wave and the volcano. Each label corresponded with particular muscle fluctuation patterns at the time of orgasm.

It certainly makes you think.

The research is on-going.

So How Does This Help You or Me?

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t a clue how all this research helps the ordinary woman in the course of her day-to-day life.

Perhaps women who are in the habit of faking it will change their ‘copulatory vocalisations’, although this raises issues of what their menfolk have been led to expect. You do need a certain concurrence about expectations here.

Perhaps women with no experience of orgasm will learn how to manage, or indeed recognise, their orgasmic contractions more clearly. Yet this seems odd to me as such contractions are clearly involuntary (not in the sense of not wanted, but in the sense of not being within a woman’s control).

But I still have problems. As far as I am concerned, all these visible (or audible) manifestations of orgasm rather miss the point.

It is not the exact description of what any person’s body does that is most important, but the overall sensation of pleasure, intimacy and bonding associated with orgasm.

Not to mention the longer-term impact of the whole event on overall well-being.

In my view, the world is washed clean after sexual climax and your sense of being at peace is profound. Can anyone measure this?

Sex and the Older Woman

And if anyone reading is wondering what this discussion has to do with your eighty-year-old writer, let me assure you that sexuality continues right on up the age scale, if you want it to.

Some people say that sex changes with age, but I do not recognise that view. Nor do various friends I have asked. And we are in our 80s.

There may be less swinging from chandeliers – if that was ever part of your repertoire; it never appealed to me – but sexual feelings and experiences have not changed for me.

And for the very skeptical, do read my article about my father, who started a new sexual relationship at the age of 90, which is in my book, The Granny Who Stands on her Head.

A version of this article was first published on SixtyandMe.com

Some people avoid any discussion of death and dying, but I have always found the subject fascinating.

You are here one minute and gone the next. Very strange. And much harder for all those around you than it is for you, yourself. They are the ones who must cope with the strangeness of it all.

I was so fascinated with death and dying that I carried out a series of interviews about what it is like to work in end-of-life care. Put together, these ended up comprising a highly successful book.

It chronicles the experiences and views of a wide range of people who work with the dying, especially nurses, but many others including doctors, managers, therapists and a very reflective cook.

The Timing of Death

There are many issues that fascinate me, but one is the extent to which a dying person can control when he or she dies.

I had heard rumours before my research, but it confirmed that some people tend to wait for a particular event and can hold on surprisingly long when it is important.

And some others wait for the moment when their loved one is out of the room, presumably to avoid their distress, before letting go.

Long-Term Couples

But there is yet another intriguing discussion to be had on this subject. This is the apparent fact that long married couples can often die in close proximity to one another, within three months or less. Sometimes even weeks or days.

This is often commented on. My parents certainly did, dying aged 90 and 91 within three months of each other. I went from having a full set of parents to being an orphan, admittedly not a young one, as I was in my late 50s.

A good friend did the same thing not long ago. She was in her late 80s, her beloved husband of nearly 65 years had died, and she just lost all interest in living. She died quite soon afterwards.

You will perhaps know similar cases.

There are some very touching stories of married people dying within days – or even hours ­– of each other. People tend to find them heart-warming, reinforcing our romantic ideas about the power of love.

Is this all just a coincidence or is there an explanation for such patterns?

Research on Couples

Those who have researched this subject seem to think that there is a genuine phenomenon, termed the ‘widowhood effect’, so it is more than a coincidence. It is particularly common among men, i.e., widowers rather than widows.

It is also known as ‘dying of a broken heart’.

It is thought that the lives of bereaved spouses are upset so radically by the death of their partner that they are vulnerable to both physical and mental health issues.

Women are often more resilient, in part because they tend to have built up more close friends around them.

Women are also more likely to eat better, but both men and women tend to pay less attention to their food, because of loss of appetite and lack of companionship when eating.

None of which explains the rapid dying, since neither mental health problems nor poor diet lead directly to immediate death.

Anyone who wants to read further on this issue will find a reasonable summary of recent research here.

What Is Our ‘Take-Away?

Everyone wants to learn these days. If there is something important going on, they want to know the ‘take-away’.

This one seems a bit complicated.

Looking to your own life, you may want to ensure that your spouse has people who will provide company (and decent food) if you know you have a short life expectancy.

You may also want to be conscious of potential problems for yourself if your spouse dies first. As we get older, we do tend to think about these things a bit more.

Perhaps you know someone who has lost a spouse and could help them in this regard. You may want to gently offer some help, difficult as this can be.

But those working with grieving spouses will already appreciate the need for some companionship and good nutrition – they should be high up on their agenda.

Perhaps you can do more than be alert to the issue.

A version of this article was first published by SixtyandMe.com

We make decisions all our lives and, indeed, every day. Most of these are straight-forward and don’t require a lot of thought. What shall I have for lunch? Shall I read a book or watch the TV this evening? Should I phone up my daughter for a chat?

Yes, you may need to think for a small moment, but these decisions are not a matter of any agony. Whichever way you decide.

Larger Issues

But from time to time we are faced with much larger problems. We can procrastinate for a period, but eventually we need to decide. Such decisions tend to be ones that will affect our future lives in some substantial way.

They may be about housing. Should I downsize? If so, where should I go? What kind of commitment do I want to take on? Do I want a garden? And so forth.

Or they may be about life plans. Should I continue to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Would I be happier volunteering a few days a week? If so, what kind of activity would I wish to engage in?

Or they may be about personal relationships. Should I try to mend fences with my oldest friend after a bad argument? Should I try to spend more time with my granddaughter, although it is very inconvenient to do so, as she lives a long way away?

And so forth. All very tricky.

What are the key considerations that will help us decide?

The Obvious Choices

Sometimes, the answer is clear and staring us in the face. Here is one scenario that I just invented.

You are thinking of moving to the granny annexe that your son and daughter-in-law have built with your needs in mind. You need help with a new disability, they want to look after you, and you are a very close family in any case. And you adore your grandson.

The decision is very straight-forward. A problem happily solved.

The Difficult Choices

But it isn’t always – perhaps not even usually – like that.

Often, there is some path that your head tells you is the right thing to do, but your heart feels it is wrong. For instance, let me amend the above scenario slightly.

You know that you need help, and you know your son and daughter-in-law want to look after you, but deep down, you don’t like their ways all that much. You don’t want to be thrust into their company on a daily basis. And your grandson is not being brought up in the way you like, so that he is not pleasant to be around.

It looks like you ought to accept their help, but you suspect that the move may result in a lot of arguments and aggravation.

What do you do?

Go with Your Emotions

I have never been one to tell friends or family how to lead their lives, because I feel such decisions are very personal and individual. I might help by asking a lot of pertinent questions, enabling them to clarify the issues.

But it would be very rare for me to advise them which way to fall.

I do often say, in the words of my husband who has said this for years, “Go with your emotions.” This is another way of saying “follow your heart.”

If you think about it long enough, you will find that most difficult decisions involve a conflict between what you think you ought to do and what you, deep down, want to do.

There is the sensible course, which everyone outside your orbit, would say “yes, of course, do that.”

And there is the course your heart tells you is right.

I say go with your heart every time.

Not Straight-Forward

But every case is different. It is rarely straight-forward.

You may be single and in your mid-60s and due for retirement. You are in good health, and everyone says, “Get out a bit, travel, see the world.” This sounds like sensible advice, but actually you love your work and enjoy the company of your colleagues and have no interest in travel.

Or perhaps it is the other way around. Everyone might say, “Times are hard, you should keep earning money while you’re able; don’t retire!” and this seems like the sensible course. But deep down, you are bored with your work and want to get out to see the world while you can.

Same scenario, different emotions. Only you can know which one is right.

And by all means, talk it over with someone who can ask the right questions. This can really help you to clarify where you want to be. Let it buzz around your head for a while.

Follow Your Heart

But do try to follow your heart.

It may not be easy. You may have to step on some people’s toes. It may cost you more money or mean that you have little money left over for anything else.

But every time that I have ever followed my head, I have realised afterwards it was the wrong thing to do. And when I have followed my heart, things have worked out, and I have felt at peace.

And peace of mind is worth everything.

Good luck.

A version of this article was first published on SixtyandMe.com