It all starts with a baby. A sweet helpless and very loved bundle of not-yet-known-but-absolutely-expected joy. You held that baby and felt the excitement of a new human presence in your life. A grandchild!

Perhaps this feels not that long ago.

And then that baby began to develop. He or she began to crawl and then stand up and toddle (if that is the word for what a toddler does).

And talk. And become a person with a personality, interests, a strength of will – and all the time bringing even more love into your life.

That adorable child grew some more, and, with luck, you had a lot of fun in the park or just talking and teaching him or her all sorts of things about the world.

It was delightful. You re-lived the pleasures of having small children in the house. Each week – or even each day – you heard about what they were doing, their ups and downs, their development.

I found this stage so interesting that I wrote a whole book about it.

Well, you know the rest.

There was more growing – and before you could say “sweet-sixteen-and-never-been-kissed,” you found yourself with a teenager.

Perhaps more than one.

The Teenage Years

Teenagers can be adorable. They can be easy-going, cooperative, easy to please and always polite.

But they aren’t usually any of these things.

It happens slowly. You first learn about the problems from one of their parents ­– your son or daughter.

They tell you about the grumpiness, the talking back, the contrariness, the confusions. Ah yes, you think, I remember it well. Only the last time, it was your own child, perhaps the very person telling you about it all. Or a sibling.

You are much more sympathetic now. You reassure them that it is just a stage – an annoying one, of course, but it won’t last.

And then the grandchild in question visits you. That eager nine- or 10-year-old is suddenly taller than you, scruffily dressed and altogether awkward.

If it is a boy, there are signs of a growing moustache. If it is a girl, there is probably some make-up.

It feels like another person altogether, albeit with some familiarity. You know this person, but you don’t know him or her so well. There are definitely changes.

You need to find new ways of relating to them.

The Good News

Well, you may remember dealing with teenage offspring with less than positive thoughts, but in fact it is entirely different with grandchildren.

Their need to expand, to argue, to find themselves through a constant contrariness does not extend to you. These attitudes are primarily directed to their parents – and sometimes their teachers.

You are the good guy, the port in the storm – and they have no wish to lose your favour. They come to you to display their new achievements with pride, while being cossetted at the same time.

In other words, your home is the place to relax from all the pressures elsewhere.

And, therefore, relating to them is not so hard at all. You may not like their hair. Or the nose stud or worse.

Or the sloppy way of talking – perhaps too quiet, perhaps too loud. Or the words you don’t have a clue what they mean.

But if you can overlook these matters as a temporary aberration, you will find the same loving children underneath. They may even become more polite to you.

And Even Better News

And unless you are very unlucky, you may see the growing signs of the adults they are to become. Their personalities are becoming clearer, emerging from the slightly blurry images from their childhood into much more delineated pictures.

Such personalities may be of any type, of course. Perhaps he or she is funny. Perhaps they are athletic. Or musical. Or academic. Or withdrawn, which is always difficult.

They may be becoming interested in some issues, and you can talk about them. Perhaps they like movies and you can talk about that. Or politics. Or something else altogether.

It can be really interesting to see these different personalities and interests at their formative stage. You may even be able to help them somehow.

Perhaps he likes to cook – you could show him a new recipe. Or she likes to sew – you can show her a new stitch. Or they have some fascination or other. You might know someone who could talk to them about it.

That is the beginning of a long-term friendship with a growing adult. And it is that adult that they have been building up to all the time.

A real pleasure.

This article was first published by SixtyandMe.com

You have just become a grandmother – or perhaps you have been one for a long time. It is so very exciting to have a new baby in your life. Not to mention all the other stages, from toddlers right on up.

But one thing you will have noticed is that the arrival of grandchildren affects your relationships with a wide range of other people.

Your relations with own your son or daughter may well deepen or, in a few cases, deteriorate. A new child inevitably brings new shared joys but can sometimes bring out old tensions.  Your relations with your son- or daughter-in-law will also change. They come as part of the package of enjoying that new child, especially if it is a daughter-in-law who had the baby. You may have found that you need to tread carefully not to be seen as ‘interfering’.

But most surprisingly, there are yet another set of relationships that may become a more visible part of your life – with the other set of grandparents.

The other parents

In my experience, the people our children choose to marry can come from any sort of family. They can be our own friends or neighbours, of course, but they very rarely are. As often as not, they are completely different in at least one way, if not many. Increasingly, they may be of a different nationality or religion or class. Or, indeed, political leanings.

They may be very upright when you are more of an ex-hippy or the other way around. They may be born-again Christians, when you have never held any religious beliefs. Or they may be obsessed with cruises to distant parts when you would not dream of going on one or, for that matter, could not afford it. And on and on.

Perhaps they are absolutely lovely people, and you are all pleased that your children introduced you to each other.

You just never know.

Meeting up

You probably met the other parents first at the wedding, if not shortly before. And you may have had no reason to see them again. Or you may meet often for family occasions.  You may feel, in the interests of general friendliness, it is valuable to establish good relations early on. This may or may not be reciprocated.

My mother, a very intellectual American woman, decided it would be a good idea for her and my father to meet my new husband’s mother (and her current man) when visiting London. His mother was working class, a heavy drinker and easily intimidated by people she didn’t know.

This could not have been a combination made in heaven. I wasn’t there, but I hate to think what a long evening that was from everyone’s point of view.

Fellow grandparents

And then your respective children become parents – and suddenly you have an interest in common – the grandchildren.  This can make for some interesting, difficult or, if lucky, happy situations.

Some time ago, I wrote a book based on deep interviews with grandparents, and I found all sorts of different experiences.

At best, the respective grandparents liked each other and went to some joint trouble to make their children’s lives easier. They coordinated their schedules, for instance, to share out needed childcare. One set of prospective grandparents even met the other at the airport when the latter were coming in for the birth. Grandparents also cooperated when there was a specific need, such as when one young couple, suffering marital difficulties, needed time to talk together without the children.

On the other hand, there could also be serious tensions. Sometimes, there was an unspoken competition between the two sets of grandparents to see who could do most for the grandchildren. Or to become closer to them. Major disagreements over upbringing were also noted. One set of grandparents could be excessively religious – or not religious enough. Or too strict in their care.

Or other matters could arise. One grandmother, for instance, who put a high premium on good nutrition at all times, was very distressed that the other handed out too many sweet drinks and candies.

Sending out ripples

It is surprising how many steps that we take in life send out ripples way beyond those expected. This is an excellent example. You have a child, he or she grew up and fell in love, they produced a child – and suddenly you are involved with all sorts of new people and in new ways.

It can be a real bonus or a pain in the neck!

This article was first published on SixtyandMe.com

This is on Amazon.com (http://amzn.to/24y7A5f) and is very pleasing because it is from a different point of view:

“This was an especially poignant read for me, as my grandmother passed away earlier this year. Through most of my adult life, I only contacted her occasionally, and of course I now regret that. However, I was blessed to have lived with her as a child and shared that part of my life with her. I am also glad I shared some of my artistic successes with her – she was an artist herself, and I wanted to ensure she knew that I continued that tradition and talent.

With that in mind, I went into reading this book girded for heartache, tears, and joy. I was not disappointed. The breadth of quotations is astounding and on point. Every person should read this book, whether they knew their grandparents at all or not, are grandparents themselves or not. It will have you in cathartic tears.”

For more information or to buy, go to my Amazon page

A few years ago, I wrote a book called ‘Celebrating Grandmothers’. Some people wonder what the title was all about. Was it a good title or, in retrospect, should I have given it a different one?

The purpose of a book title

Book titles are supposed to catch the reader’s eye. But they are also supposed to give that reader the flavour of a book and a sense of what is inside. I found this difficult because the underlying messages of this book are rich and complex – and hard to communicate in a catchy title.

The working title (what you call a book during the writing process) was Being a Grandmother, but that sounds exceedingly boring. Out come all the clichés – old, grey, dull! And very static.

So, what to do? An American journalist, who subsequently published a not dissimilar but very successful book, called her book Becoming Grandma. That, rather cleverly, communicates a sense movement. I wish I had thought of that.

Communicating enthusiasm

I wanted something positive – but not too much so. Most grandmothers light up when you ask them about their grandchildren – they genuinely sparkle. How to communicate that fact without going over the top? I thought the word ‘celebrating’ would provide a sense of enthusiasm.

But not all grandmothers are happy with their lot. I also had to manage the complexity of family situations. Some grandmothers live far away from their families and ache with longing to see them. Some have difficult family relationships. I didn’t want these to feel excluded from the book, as they are very well covered in it.

Is this a good title?

Like many other things in life, the answer is complicated.

I had liked the ambiguity of the title. Is ‘celebrating’ a verb or an adjective? Is it the act of celebrating grandmothers or is it about grandmothers who are celebrating something? In fact, no one has ever asked.

But it really doesn’t convey very much. One might think the whole book is in praise of grandmothers, which it really isn’t. You wouldn’t guess from the title that it conveys the inner thoughts of a wide range of women about many aspects of grandmotherdom – the image, the difficulties and the many joys.

Fortunately, the sub-title conveys what the book is about – grandmothers talk about their lives – but I sometimes think there should have been something more up front.

Yet the best aspect of the title is that it is a nice one to give as a present – many women have found that it makes a perfect gift, in part because of the title.  How nice, in short, to give  your mother a book called ‘Celebrating Grandmothers’.  In fact, I never thought of that at the time.

Are you a grandmother? Read and find out what you think.

Celebrating Grandmothers can be purchased as a paperback from Amazon and from bookstores, distributed by Ingram. It is also available as an e-book from Amazon and other e-book providers, such as Apple, Kobo and others.

As any grandmother will know, there are many sources of joy in the time spent with grandchildren. For me, a key one is teaching my grandsons something and seeing how they respond.

This is also a common theme in my book, Celebrating Grandmothers, where 27 women talk about the joys and challenges of being a grandmother. In their own words, they describe how they – like me – love teaching ­their grandkids all sorts of things.

Teaching Knowledge and Skills

We tend to think of teaching as passing on knowledge or a particular skill. Certainly, this can be a large element in many interactions with grandchildren. And it happens all the time, even when you are not noticing.

For example, you may be boiling an egg or baking a cake, and they suddenly take an interest and try to learn about cooking. Or, you may take out your knitting, and they see the result and want to have a go.

Such teaching may be accidental, as described, or it may be purposeful, undertaken specifically to pass on the skill. Either way, you can see them learning a lot, adding one step here and there to their journey to adulthood.

Teaching Values

But there is more to teaching than passing on facts or skills. Some women make a special effort to instill into their grandchildren the values and ethics by which they live.

In my book, some women gave particular importance to teaching values. Indeed, they felt that this was so important that it should be left to parents and was an inappropriate role for grandparents.

Others, however, felt strongly that they also had a part to play. One woman was keen to teach the importance of a belief in a Christian God. Another, in contrast, explained that she was teaching her grandchildren not to be ruled by a blind faith, but to question everything.

Although diametrically opposed in the specifics, both had the same goal of affecting their grandchildren’s values in life.

Teaching Children to Think

And finally, what I find truly exciting is teaching my grandchildren to think for themselves. This involves challenging their thoughts and helping them to see other points of view, so they can begin to work out their own position.

Such teaching flows easily from everyday discussions. Just the other day, for example, we were watching the television news and there was a long piece about migration into the US (although it could equally have been migration into Europe).

This started a discussion with one visiting grandson of why people want to migrate, why their situation is different from tourists, and how migration affects everyone involved. This entailed him asking loads of questions, as he began to see the complexity of the issues.

A few minutes later, there was another news item on people protesting climate change. Our grandson, although concerned about climate issues, was upset at the idea of protesters making people late for work.

We then moved to explore how people can best bring an issue to public attention. My husband asked the simple question, “What would you do?” Lengthy discussions ensued.

It is very satisfying to see a young person’s brain confronting complexity and trying to think things out.

The Joys of Teaching

I have never been a teacher by profession, but I am a teacher by inclination. I really love passing on what I have learned in the course of my life. And it is wonderful to see the impact on a young mind.

It is rewarding, first, if you see a great response in the person you teach. Some children light up with pleasure at learning a new activity, such as a sport. You show them how to manipulate a ball, and they are thrilled and do it again and again.

I am currently teaching one grandson to swim. He loves the water and enjoys working out how to move himself through it. If this is partly due to my own efforts, how can I not be thrilled?

It is also rewarding when something you taught is truly learned. Whether it is a new word or how to put together a toy, or something you believe in, keep a watch and listen – and see how it comes out later.

And finally, there is something rewarding about feeling part of a link down the chain of the generations. Your grandmother may have taught you to cook and now you are teaching your granddaughter.

You are part of the circle of life.

This post was originally published by Sixtyandme.com (see http://sixtyandme.com/the-many-joys-of-teaching-our-grandchildren/)

How much time do you spend looking after your grandchildren? If you don’t live nearby, then it is probably decided each time you visit. But if you do live within easy distance, you may have a regular routine.

From my study of grandmothers, I found that many women do have such a routine worked out with their daughter or daughter-in-law. It makes it easier for everyone to plan.

The Traditional Role of Grandmothers

Traditionally, in centuries past, playing an active part in their grandchildren’s lives is what grandmothers did. Of course. It was not even questioned.

The mother had her baby and went back to work in the fields as soon as she was ready. Then her mother (or mother-in-law) took over and absorbed the new baby into her own day-to-day activities.

It might be the first child or the fifth. If the grandmother was fit and healthy – and perhaps even if she wasn’t – that was her role in life.

Modern Grandmothers

It is more complicated for most of us these days.

For a start, it is more often the office that the mother goes back to. And, depending on the country or her company, there may be some form of maternity leave – to give her a chance to catch her figurative breath.

But it is also different for grandmothers. Some have busy careers themselves and little time to absorb new babies into their lives. Or, with the increasing tendency for young people to delay births, grandmothers may be very old and not so able to take in a young child on a regular basis.

Yet somehow, there are a lot of grandmothers who have agreed to take on the day-to-day care of their grandchildren, at least until they start nursery school. And some continue right on up, as the chief taker to – and collector from – nursery and then school itself.

A few do this on a daily basis, but perhaps more often, they agree to take on the role for one or two days a week.

Is that you? Why did you agree to such an arrangement?

Why We Look After Grandchildren

Some of us will have felt that we had no choice. Our daughter (or daughter-in-law) was at a key stage of her career and could not afford to pay for child care. We needed to help her out, at least temporarily, whatever the crimp it put into our day-to-day plans.

Others will have been thrilled at the prospect. What a delight to have a young baby or child around the house again! How enriching it is to involve yourself so thoroughly in a young life. They jump at the chance.

The key issue is – have you taken on this work because you felt you had to or because you wanted to? The resulting child care may be the same, but a woman’s feelings on the matter do count. Especially if she is not feeling very well and needs to push herself out of bed to go do ‘her’ day.

My Own Experience

In fact, from my own experience, I think it is more complicated than that simple dichotomy.

When my first grandson was born, I made it clear to my daughter that I did not want to be burdened with babysitting. She lived an hour away, so the travel was a bit of an issue, especially at night. But I also didn’t want to feel that she had a licence to impose on my time. I had other things to do.

My daughter was lovely about this and, only occasionally asked, gently and nicely, if I might be willing to help out for an hour or two. Which I duly did. All sorted amicably.

But three years later, when my son’s baby son was born, and I had argued much the same case, a crisis arose. My daughter-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer when the baby was eight months old. She needed surgery, chemo, the lot. Suddenly, all help was needed, fast.

I didn’t take on full-time child care but put in my good share. We bought all the necessary baby items for our house – cot (crib), highchair, and so forth – so that he could stay with us at any time on short notice.

The other grandmother came to stay nearby for six months to help out, and we paid for someone else as well. Somehow, we managed to cobble together enough help to see my daughter-in-law through. And, for the record, nine years later, she is fine.

But something important happened to me as a result of this experience. I discovered, to my own surprise, that I loved the close involvement that I had with this grandson. I even regretted that I had not had it with the first one.

What had been ‘don’t want to’ had become ‘have to’, but ‘have to’ became ‘want to’.

Things change. Life is full of surprises.

This was originally published by Sixty and Me (http://sixtyandme.com/why-do-you-look-after-your-grandchildren-because-you-have-to-or-because-you-want-to/)

“My son and his wife encourage the grandchildren to be free, like when they want to splash in a puddle. Whereas I would say ‘Don’t go in that puddle!’, because I was conscious of the washing that would engender.

I’ve often thought that if I were to do it all again, I wouldn’t be so strict – I would let them splash in puddles.”

…from Celebrating Grandmothers

One of the many unexpected side effects of being a grandparent is watching your own children bring up their children. This can prove both a joy and a challenge.

Attitudes toward child-rearing change over time, so we grandparents have to expect some changes. And modern circumstances are also very different – there were no complex computer games, no mobile telephones and none of the other electronic gadgetry in our day.

Some grandparents are clearly concerned about the way their grandchildren are being brought up. They say that the children have too much ‘screen time’. Some feel that their grandchildren are being spoiled with too many things or not sufficiently encouraged to take risks.

And they feel there is very little they can say. “Every grandmother has to be issued with a zip” as one grandmother said.

But others are enormously impressed by the child-rearing efforts of their own children. They look back with some sadness at their own lack of awareness of what they were doing, while applauding their son or daughter’s wisdom at finding the right balance.

Childrearing is one of the harder things we do in life. We rarely feel that we got it right. We mustn’t be too hard on ourselves. But we can reflect on what is best for the children – and, as the grandmother quoted above said, let them splash in puddles!

This was originally published by The Grandparent Hub (see http://thegrandparenthub.com/splashing-in-puddles/)

Celebrating Grandmothers: grandmothers talk about their lives is available as a paperback or ebook on Amazon getbook.at/Grandmothers

“They meet here on Diwali, Christmas – whenever there are bank holidays. The whole family gets together during school holidays, either at my or my daughter’s house. It makes me very happy when they are here. The children play around in the house or go and jump in my bed. They are enjoying my house. I feel that my house is smiling.”

…from Celebrating Grandmothers

These words, describing the sheer joy of being a grandmother, come from an Indian grandmother of four living in outer London. Most of us know what she means. Just when we had thought that having young children around was a thing of the past. suddenly we have them again in our lives. Yes, the house is smiling. And so are we.

There are so many ways we can enjoy our grandchildren, from when they are new-born right on up to teens and beyond.

New babies feel and smell so nice. A wonderful bundle to cuddle. So thrilling when they look at you with absolute pleasure. And then suddenly they are crawling and exploring everything. Yes, you do need to make the house toddler-proof, but that is a small price to pay for having little ones giggling at everything new.

And then, before you know it, they are proper little beings with their own views about your house. One of my grandsons walked up the road with a toy by accident the other day and wanted me to take it back. ‘Do you where it goes?”, he asked. I said on a shelf in the TV room. ‘But do you know which shelf?” he asked. I told him that if I put it in the wrong place, he could sort it out the next time he came.

Is it our house? Is it his? Whatever it is, the house is definitely smiling.

Would you like to read Celebrating Grandmothers?  Go to: getbook.at/Grandmothers

Initially posted on The Grandparent Hub (see http://thegrandparenthub.com/my-house-is-smiling/)

“I had a card from a close friend who is a granny which said, ‘Welcome to the best club in the world!’ And it’s just how it felt.

You have the best deal because you have the pleasure of the children without that relentlessness and anxiety and responsibility. It’s such a privilege – you feel such an important part of a team, you are a necessary support. It gives your life shape and meaning.”
…from Celebrating Grandmothers

These are the words of a thoughtful grandmother of two. And she sums up the situation for me very well. Yes, being a grandmother means being in one of the best clubs in the world. As well as, in my case, a surprise as I had no such expectation.

She is right about the pleasure of the children – and what a pleasure it is. My two grandsons are as different as they could be, but each is a delight in his own way. I always look forward to my time with them, whether for an afternoon or a sleepover. I love to hear their thoughts and views of the world.

But it is also wonderful not to have the principal responsibility. You do worry from time to time, but mostly you enjoy them and then give them back. You can even indulge them if you are in the mood.

And yes, it is about the family being a team. The role of grandparent often brings the role of advisor, supporter and general helper to the parents. This is highly important for all concerned.

And finally, yes it gives life a meaning that it didn’t have before. Of course, you may have many other interests, but you certainly think a lot about the grandchildren.

Aren’t we grandparents lucky!

Would you like to read Celebrating Grandmothers?  Go to: getbook.at/Grandmothers

This was originally published on the website of The GrandparentHub (https://thegrandparenthub.com/best-club/).

New parents often exclaim that no one told them about the strong and complex emotions that come with parenthood. Yes, they were told about coping with labour and perhaps something about baby feeding and equipment. But it is the emotional side that is so important.

Well, the same can be said for becoming a grandparent. Of course, we all know that when a son or daughter is expecting a baby, the birth of that child will make us a grandparent. But how many of us have any idea what this will mean for us, both immediately and over time?

Certainly, I was bowled over!

I am the grandmother of two boys, now aged eight and twelve. This began twelve years ago, when my daughter went into a difficult labour and ended up needing an emergency caesarean.

At the last minute, my son-in-law had very understandable qualms and asked me to be there during the birth. So, it was into my arms that this little life was placed, my daughter feeling too weak to manage. What an amazing and wonderful moment, when all the pain and fears of labour are over and a new person has come into the world.

But just as being a mother is more than giving birth, so being a grandmother is much more than being there for the new-born baby. Quite beyond any expectation, my life has changed completely as the result of these two boys. There are new people to love, new bodies to cuddle and comfort, new minds to nourish and a whole new role to play within the family. And much else besides.

I found being a grandmother so fascinating that I decided to write a book about it, Celebrating Grandmothers. Here, nearly thirty women reflect on the joys and challenges of being a grandmother in their own words. I hope to explore these in the months to come.

This post was originally published on the website of The Grandparent Hub (https://thegrandparenthub.com/becoming-a-grandparent/)