Isn’t it strange how you can do something for one reason and find it has another purpose altogether!

I write books on subjects that happen to capture my interest, all based around interviews. I wrote one on young people with HIV and AIDS back when there was no cure (Wise Before their Time) and one on nurses and others providing end-of-life care (Life in a Hospice). Both were very well received.

Then I became a grandmother and found that many aspects of the grandmother role were fascinating. I decided to interview nearly thirty grandmothers from many walks of life and, indeed, nationalities, and put their responses together in a book. I titled this Celebrating Grandmothers: grandmothers talk about their lives.

I thought that grandmothers would love to read – and therefore buy – it. And quite a few did – and they wrote excellent reviews about it. Here are a few examples:

“I was expecting a sentimental take on grandmothers and grandchildren, but this is a collection of very candid and honest interviews. It is sometimes sad, but also joyous and funny.”

“This is a wonderful book for grandmothers but not exclusively for them. It shows how important family bonds and the bonds between generations can be and thankfully often are. It allows us to slow down a bit and take stock of how important nurturing relationships are for ourselves, our families, and the world at large.”

“Like all good books, this one is amusing, has pathos and astonishes with the wisdom shown by the contributors…it has really made me think.”

Following its publication, I put a lot of effort into publicising the book in places where older women might learn about it. Yet there was a surprisingly small response. I had to conclude that women are reluctant purchasers of a book they expect to be of interest only to themselves.

BUT in the course of such effort, I discovered that there were eager buyers of my book, namely young parents – both men and women – looking for a present for their mother and, sometimes mother-in-law.

And then I realised that, of course, it is extremely hard to find presents for older women. We have just about everything that we need – indeed, many of us would say we have too many things.

Yet there are birthdays and Christmas. What to do? A book about being a grandmother is original. It takes little space. The cover is pretty and she is unlikely to have it. Problem solved. Bingo.

I never wrote my book to solve people’s present buying dilemmas.  But it works.  And perhaps I get read that way.  I am not complaining.

For more information or to buy, go to my Amazon page

Do you get on with – or even like – your in-laws? All of them? Really? If so, you are a lucky person indeed!

The Diversity of In-Laws

We all have in-laws. They come into our lives completely unbidden. Sometimes they are there for a long time. It’s not that they are always awful people – it’s just that they don’t always fit easily into your life or the way you want to spend your time.

It started when your sister married that completely decent guy, with a burning obsession with old cars and nothing else. Or you married a lovely man whose mother incessantly recounts her life history, forgetting each time that she has done so before.

Or his brothers are interested only in drinking beer in front of the TV when you like walking in the country.

Or your son is living with a beautiful young woman who is, unfortunately, a desperate social climber. (Having in-laws does not require a marriage to take place – some people call these ‘out-laws.’)

Perhaps no one has examples of all these at once, but most of us have someone who causes us an internal scream from time to time.

Why In-Laws Can Be Such a Problem

In-laws are a problem primarily because you are supposed to like them – or at least get on with them. Indeed, worse, they are suddenly part of your family.

Also, you are likely to see them on ‘special’ days like Christmas, which may be just the time you could do without them because you want to relax.

Of course, if you are lucky, your in-laws have delightful personalities, compatible interests and a warm heart. You enjoy their company and see them frequently. You are pleased that someone’s marriage (or partnership) brought them into your life.

If you are unlucky, they have completely different values, politics, religion or personal habits. So many problems start here that the less said the better.

And in between these two extremes, there are the in-laws who Really Try. This is probably more common than you think.

When I married my English husband, my American mother tried to make him feel welcome by buying bottled Guinness (I think England and Ireland got mixed up here). She put it in the fridge for him, where Americans always put beer.

Being young and not wanting to displease his new mother-in-law, my dear husband drank the stuff, although he didn’t even like it and certainly not cold.

This proved, of course, that he liked it. She always had some available when we visited their house. It took some years to put this right.

Grandmothers and In-Laws

When I was first planning to interview women for my book about what it is like to be a grandmother, I thought I might get nothing from them but sentimental stories about how wonderful it was. As all good books need a little grit, this was the cause of some initial concern.

But in-laws came to my rescue. I hadn’t even realised the number of ways that sons- and daughters-in-law could cause problems for grandmothers.

Some were bringing up the grandchildren in ways that seriously disappointed – they overfed them or ignored them or let them have too much screen time. Some were felt to be altogether too controlling of their direct family.

Much more problematic were those who were so hostile to the grandmother interviewed that she couldn’t even visit. There are many painful stories out there.

Final Note

Whatever the problems we experience, we may need to remind ourselves that we are not always innocent. Probably, we are someone else’s irritating daughter, sister or mother-in law. It makes you think.

This post was originally published by SixtyandMe (http://sixtyandme.com/getting-on-with-the-in-laws/) and should not be re-blogged

For more information or to buy, go to my Amazon page

I have decided to write a few posts about preparing my book Celebrating Grandmothers. First, why the title?

The purpose of a book title

Book titles are supposed to catch the reader’s eye. But they are also supposed to give that reader the flavour of the book and a sense of what is inside. The underlying messages of this book are rich and complex – and hard to communicate in a catchy title.

The working title (what you call a book during the writing process, before you have thought of a good title) was Being a Grandmother, but that sounds exceedingly boring. Out come all the clichés – old, grey, dull! And very static.

So, what to do? Leslie Stahl, who subsequently published a not dissimilar but very successful book, called her book Becoming Grandma. That, rather cleverly, communicates a sense movement.

Communicating enthusiasm

I wanted something positive – but not too much so. Most grandmothers light up when you ask them about their grandchildren – they genuinely sparkle. How to communicate that fact without going over the top? I thought the word ‘celebrating’ would provide a sense of enthusiasm.

But not all grandmothers are happy with their lot. I also had to manage the complexity of family situations. Some grandmothers live far away from their families and ache with longing for their grandchildren. Some have difficulty keeping in touch because of unhappy family relationships. I didn’t want these to feel excluded from the book, as they are very much a part of it as well.

Ambiguity

Finally, I liked the ambiguity of the title. Is ‘celebrating’ a verb or an adjective? Is it the act of celebrating grandmothers or is it about grandmothers who are celebrating something? In fact, no one has ever asked.

Are you a grandmother? Read and find out.

For more information or to buy:  http://amzn.to/2ugEZ8t

A short but excellent new Amazon review of Celebrating Grandmothers, giving 5 stars:

“Ann Richardson’s approach is direct and deceptively simple. These verbatim extracts from interviews with women about the experience of being a grandmother are revealing, insightful, sometimes funny and often moving. Great stuff.”

For more information or to buy:  http://amzn.to/2ugEZ8t

Have you ever thought of trying yoga? Perhaps your daughter does it, but you think you are too old. Perhaps you feel it requires you to look like the young and supple woman in this picture.

Think again. People of all shapes, sizes and ages can do yoga. It is not a matter of donning a leotard and aiming to look beautiful. No, it is a matter of using your body to gain improved strength and flexibility. And, just as important, feeling better.

And you will probably never be asked to do anything resembling this pose. Or, if you are really enthusiastic and practise frequently, who knows, you might move in that direction. But I have never gotten there.

Yoga and exercise

Years ago, when I thought I should be doing more exercise to keep fit, several friends suggested I try yoga. When I asked what happened there, I was told you went into odd poses and held them for awhile. This seemed a rather bizarre thing to do – and certainly appeared to have little to do with exercise. I did not pursue it at that time.

Well, how wrong could I be! Some yoga does involve a lot of movement and feels very much like an exercise class. The type I eventually went for is slow and purposeful, but my goodness, you do get your muscles exercised! You need to learn to separate being visibly active from being equally – but less visibly – so.

There is no question that yoga is a form of exercise. The strange postures are there for a purpose – to use all your muscles, both external and internal. You know that if you simply stretch your arms with all your might toward the ceiling, something inside begins to say ‘hello’. Yoga takes this many steps further by working your system all over.

The wider impact

The result is both subtle and profound. You will slowly begin to feel more supple (or ‘bendy’ as one friend put it). All sorts of day-to-day movements will become easier, which is both pleasing and practical. You may find your balance is better.

Indeed, you might well find yourself healthier, less prone to colds or other diseases, as your circulation improves. The yoga postures work on all your internal systems, so that they work better. And your breathing may be easier. Some say sleep improves.

But yoga is also much more than exercise. It puts you in touch with your own body – wakes it up and gives it a good shake – making you feel more in tune with its ways. You will rediscover the joys of actively using your body, rather than seeing it as something you carry around without thinking much about it.

Yoga has the effect of being both energising and relaxing at the same time. It requires so much concentration that you forget the things that are worrying you and feel much more refreshed as a result. The challenges it offers – little hills to climb one by one – create a sense of achievement, especially important as you age. You may even like yourself more as a result.

Getting started

We all know we should be doing more exercise of any kind, but it is definitely hard to get started. My husband found the best way to ensure he exercised was to put the ball, perhaps surprisingly, in my court. He now complains if I don’t nag him enough.

I started yoga because I had back problems. I had gone to an osteopath, whose ministrations would work for awhile, but then wear off after a week or two. She encouraged me to try yoga to get my body stronger, so that any changes she produced might last longer. The result was I got so much stronger, I didn’t need the osteopath anymore!

You may need a little push – or pull ­– of some kind. Talk to friends who do it and see if their enthusiasm gives you that added spur. And make it convenient. Having local classes can be a help. If not, there are some online courses – indeed, I know of one yoga programme that is specifically tailored for older people who have not done yoga before.

Go on, have a try. What do you have to lose?

Finally, you have reached the age when you are beginning to think about downsizing. Perhaps you have familiarised yourself with all the practical and even emotional difficulties involved and have decided you are not quite ready to take the plunge.

Is there anything you can do in preparation for the eventual day?

Downsizing Dilemma: Culling Books

Few people reach their 60s without accumulating a lot of things they know they could throw or give away without great loss.

There are the clothes that don’t quite fit, but might do so if you lost those extra pounds that you are working on. There are the gifts that you never use, but have sentimental value because of the friends who gave them to you.

And then there are the books.

Books Take Room

If you like to read, you probably have books all over your house or apartment. Perhaps you sorted through them 10 years ago (or longer) because you had moved then or simply had a fit of eagerness to clean up.

In any case, there they are, in piles here and there – in the living room, by your bedside, in odd corners, including some in the bathroom.

Whatever cataloguing system once existed has probably long lost any cogency. When you are looking for a book you know you own, you get annoyed because it is nowhere to be found.

You have long thought that books don’t take any space, but you know you are kidding yourself. Indeed, for years, you proudly collected books to make your home feel properly lived in and loved. Each addition was like another brick to a house.

Perhaps it is time to cull.

Culling Can Be Painful

Deciding to get rid of books is harder than you might think. There are the books you always meant to read and are sure you will get to one day. There are those you started, but then stopped, and you like to think you will indeed finish them.

There are some you may be keeping for the children or for when you are sick and need something not too demanding. There are a lot of reasons to keep books.

And, if you are anything like me, it is a dusty job. You keep the house generally clean, but how often do you pull out the books one by one? So not only is it an emotionally difficult business to decide to give away books, but it is also a physically unpleasant one. Every reason not to do it.

But go for it, nonetheless.

How to Start Downsizing Your Book Collection

It is possible, of course, to simply go to any shelf and pull out books you don’t really want any more. I would urge you to do it more systematically.

If you have a lot of books, mentally divide them into categories – perhaps something simple like fiction versus non-fiction, but you might have more elaborate sub-categories.

Start with just one. Search your house for all novels, say, and put them in one place. Then, to feel productive, put them in alphabetical order (and remove any duplicates of books you bought a second time, because you forgot you had them in the first place!).

Then begins the difficult part. You know how old you are, and you know how many books you tend to read in a year. You can guess that however good your intentions, there are a set of books you will never re-read or read for the first time. Put them in a separate pile. Then look again and find some more.

Continue in the same vein with other categories. Depending on the size of your collection, this may take a few days. You should find yourself with a few cartons of books at the end of the process.

Dust the shelves, and put the books back in some organised system that pleases you. Offer the discarded books to friends, family, charity shops or even to passers-by. There, you have done it.

The Gains

Believe me, there are gains. In the first place, your rooms immediately look cleaner and tidier. With luck, there are no books piled on the floor, and you may even gain space for that knick-knack you were wondering where to put. Also, you know where your books are, next time you are looking.

Best of all, you will have found many books you didn’t have any memory of buying, but would really like to read – or re-read. My high school English teacher used to say, “If a book is worth reading once, it is worth reading twice.”

Put them on your bedside in an inviting pile. Take one out and pour yourself a glass of wine.

Time well spent.

This post was first published by Sixty and Me (http://sixtyandme.com/downsizing-dilemma-why-getting-rid-of-books-is-so-tough/) and should not be re-blogged

There is something about finding ourselves in our 60s that makes our heads turn to the past, in general, and, more specifically, to our ancestry. I have no idea why this fascination comes so forcefully at this time.

Perhaps as we age, our perception of time changes. The decades before we were born seem less long ago. Our ancestors therefore seem more real and present.

Searching Your Family History Seriously

There are some people who take genealogy very seriously. They sign up to all sorts of websites and check records going well into the past. This is a great pastime.

Depending on the size of your family, it can keep you busy for months and even years. You will doubtless learn a lot of interesting things.

The Accidental Route

Some of us learn about our ancestry by somewhat more accidental – or, indeed, lazy – means. Perhaps someone else in your family is pursuing such information, so that you can benefit without all the work. It is worth asking older members of your extended family to see what they might have found.

In my case, it turned out that a surprising number of my forbearers were keen on memoir-writing. So, various documents have turned up within the family from different periods, even in different languages.

To add to the fun, these are not always consistent in their description of the same events. The truth, as any historian would confirm, is difficult to establish.

You have to wonder what you would like to find. Someone famous? A connection to royalty? A murderer? We are all different in our wishes and in the ways in which we would respond.

Odd Pieces of Information

My parents were highly respectable, so my ancestors might be expected to be respectable, too – and many of them were. The problem is that they are invariably the least interesting to read about.

I have nonetheless come upon some relatives of more doubtful qualities. One distant ancestor was an explorer in the South Seas in the late nineteenth century. He was evidently selling tobacco on the side.

When he came upon one group of islanders who didn’t know what to do with this product, he set up smoking classes, thereby securing a demand for his regular return.

I should not be proud of this ancestor, but I must admit that I admire his ingenuity. And he wasn’t to know about the link with cancer, after all.

Family Ups and Downs

A much closer relative (my great-grandfather) was involved as a young man in import-export dealings on the Mexican-US border. From family memoirs and other sources, it is clear that this was not genteel territory.

Evidently, there were some careful judgements about the declaration of silver at the border. As the proceeds of import taxes were said to end up in the pockets of those collecting them, the moral issue could be said to be unclear. In any case, he ended up a very rich man.

As history often shows, the money was completely lost by his son, my grandfather, in a series of ill-judged enterprises – to his permanent shame. He ended up as a door-to-door salesman in the 1920s and ’30s.

The Significance of It All

Once you have considered your ancestors, you wonder what to do with the information. Does it help you to understand yourself better? I am not so sure. But you do end up feeling like one link in an inexorable chain – and wonder even harder where your grandchildren and their descendants will take it.

When my son was a small child of just five or six, he heard about the concept of infinity. Like many children, he was fascinated by it. He also began to realise that there were generations within families, with some coming before, like his grandparents, and some after.

One morning, he put the two thoughts together. “You know, Mum,” he said, “the people coming before us were not infinity, but the people coming after us are infinity.” His English wasn’t up to the task of expressing his thought, but the thought itself was profound, indeed.

This post was first published by Sixty and Me (http://sixtyandme.com/are-you-curious-about-your-family-history-heres-how-to-start-researching/) and should not be re-blogged

People often have set ideas about what a grandmother should be like. However, grandmothers come in all sorts of shapes and sizes – as well as in attitudes to that role. This became very clear to me when I wrote a book based on interviews conducted with 27 very different grandmothers.

Living Close or at a Distance

A big issue is whether you live nearby or far away. This is generally not something you have a lot of choice about, unless you decide to move to be near your children and grandchildren. Some women love the fact that their family are all within easy distance and make a real effort to see them frequently.

And some families live together in three- or even four-generation households. This can bring a great bond between grandparents and grandchildren if family relationships are good. Not all are, and such living arrangements can also exacerbate family friction.

Yet others welcome the freedom that being geographically distant provides. They are happy to see their grandchildren from time to time, but want to lead their own lives.

Indeed, one woman recently told me cheerfully that the best way to be a grandmother was to have your daughter living abroad, as were her case.

Being Very Involved in Childcare or Not

Related to physical proximity, but not the same, is the matter of how closely involved you are in your grandchildren’s care. Some grandmothers – out of choice or necessity – undertake a lot of childcare themselves.

They may have an allotted day when they take a toddler out or meet children after school. Some do much more.

Indeed, there are some grandparents who are full-time babysitters (caregivers), taking on the role of parents because the parents themselves are incapacitated for one reason or another. This can be very hard work and is yet another story.

But there are plenty of grandmothers who do not want full responsibility for grandchildren at any time. They make it clear, often from the outset, that they are not built-in babysitters and want to continue with their own work or other activities. They may help on occasion, but want to do so on their own terms.

Grandmother Roles

Another key difference between grandmothers lies in what they do with their grandchildren – and at what point in their lives. Some love to cuddle and play with small babies, but become less keen as children grow older. Some are the reverse and look forward to when they can have proper conversations with the next generation.

There is so much to be discussed, but I would just note one key role here – namely, teaching grandchildren. This may be about the little things that the parents do not have time for, such as how to knit or to cook or to know the names of plants in their garden.

Or it may be teaching deeper matters, perhaps old-fashioned values, religious beliefs or just a love of learning. Many people say that they gained such values from their own grandparents. And it can be a great pleasure to see your own views take root in the next generation.

The Impact of Grandchildren on You

I talk to a lot of grandmothers and often ask them about the relationships they have with their grandchildren. Some tell me their names and ages, but do not impart a great sense of joy. Others light up at the very mention of them. One woman who was interviewed for my book often had her grandchildren to stay and noted that when they were there “the house is smiling.”

This post was originally published by SixtyandMe (Sixtyandme.com/what-sort-of-grandmother-are-you-does-it-matter/) and should not be re-blogged

For more information or to buy, go to my Amazon page

I want to tell you about my day today. No, it wasn’t a bad day, the sort of day that we often want to talk about, when everything goes wrong. It was a good day, of the sort we much too often take for granted.

Here are a few tips for celebrating the simple things in life.

Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

This good day started with a good night’s sleep – not something I am able to achieve very often. We older women tend to complain to each other about our difficulties in getting to sleep – or the long hours in the early morning when we were awake. But a good night’s sleep, as we all know, is wonderful. You feel so completely refreshed.

Enjoying a Glorious Day

But the special thing was that it was a glorious day – sunny, blue skies, warm, but not too hot, with a gentle breeze.

It was the sort of day that makes people smile as they walk down the street. I went out for some errands and chatted to a neighbour, in part about the day and in part about the good things in our lives. She told me how she loved being retired, doing nothing, whereas I talked about how I love writing my books . We smiled together about how everybody is different!

I mentioned that I felt we took the good things a bit too much for granted.

Sharing with Grandchildren

But my ruminations on this issue had started two days ago. I had been walking down the street with my seven-year-old grandson, taking him to a doctor’s appointment. We had crossed a busy street and had held hands for the purpose, but he didn’t let go.

We walked for ages with his little hand in my bigger one, talking about whatever was on his mind. And I suddenly thought what a wonderful simple pleasure that is. That trusting child, feeling safe in your hands. What more can you ask?

And there are, of course, so many more joys associated with children. Watching an active toddler finally sleeping, watching a child of any age begin to understand something they had not understood before. We, as adults, can only sit back and marvel.

Eating Simple Food

And then there was lunch – for me, some tomatoes, cheese, good bread and a bit of yogurt flavoured with turmeric. Nothing fancy, but nonetheless fresh, healthy and delicious. And I then made some brownies, as my husband had asked for them. Now, there is a combination of ingredients that can hardly be bettered. And they came out well.

Appreciating Timeless Pleasures

The simple pleasures of a beautiful day, a trusting child, even food, have been the subject of many a poem, essay or other form of commentary, probably from the year dot.

But does it take getting older to really appreciate these pleasures? When you are younger, you are much more likely to rush. Yes, you say, it is a lovely day and then you rush on to your appointment or to collect your child from school or whatever it is that fills your time. You don’t really stop and just feel the moment.

You know you should, but on the whole, you don’t.

We can.

Visiting a Friend

And toward the end of the afternoon, I went to visit a friend in hospital. Like me, she does her best to keep herself fit, but she had the bad luck to have fallen and broken her femur. She had had surgery, loads of pain, pain killers, side effects from the medication and so forth. She smiled bravely, but it was clear she was not certain when she would get back to normal.

I walked back from the hospital, as the sun was low but still bright and buildings were glowing – my son calls this “the golden hour,” a new phrase to me – and realised I had missed the most important thing of all.

Simply being able to walk.

I sometimes think we need a wake-up call to appreciate the ordinary things in life.

This post was originally published by SixtyandMe: http://sixtyandme.com/6-ways-to-celebrate-the-simple-things-in-life/ and should not be re-blogged

Some years ago, I was taken to a hospice by a friend, who happened to be doing an errand. I immediately felt that this was the kind of tranquil place where I wanted to spend time. Soon after, I began to volunteer at a local hospice every Saturday afternoon. I did so for four years.

This experience had a strong impact on me, lasting even to the present day. Death – as with birth – is a very special time and I felt privileged to help people, even in small ways, in their last days.

As I was a writer, I thought the views and experiences of hospice staff would make a fascinating book. I had developed a technique, based on the kind of research I did for a living, of creating books formed around the direct views of people acquired by long and intimate interviews. Like a television documentary, it allows people to talk directly to the reader.

I undertook 31 interviews in two hospices with a whole range of staff – nurses, doctors, chaplains, managers and even a very reflective cook. They talked about the many ways in which they tried to make patients’ last days peaceful and meaningful, about the impact of such work on their own lives and, most importantly, about what they gained personally from such work. Like myself, they often used the word ‘privileged’ for being with people at the end of their lives.

The resulting book, Life in a Hospice, was, in my humble view, the best I had ever written – and I anticipated that many people would be keen to read it. It was very well reviewed, there was an article in the Times newspaper about it and it was even Highly Commended by the British Medical Association, despite not being a ‘medical’ book at all. All this was hugely pleasing.

But, alas, the breadth of the readership was very disappointing. The book was bought by many hospices and others working in end of life care, but it never took off with the general public. I quickly realized there were two reasons. First, most people do not have my fascination with end-of-life care and, indeed, avoid thinking about anything to do with death. And, second, the book was much too expensive, the price having been set by its medical publisher

I couldn’t do anything to overcome the first problem, but I took back the rights to the book and re-launched it as a very inexpensive e-book ($3.75), so that anyone who wants to read it will not be deterred by the price. It is again receiving some good reviews on Amazon. I must admit I have never heard anyone say they were not deeply moved by it. A paperback version is in the works and will be published soon.

My one caveat for this website is that the hospices in my book did not cater for people with Alzheimer’s. I can only say that the attention to the very individual needs of patients would go far when it comes to people with dementia of any kind.

This was originally published on the Alzheimers Authors website:  https://alzauthors.com/2017/06/14/welcome-ann-richardson-author-of-life-in-a-hospice/