Until we all went into lockdown – the ‘before’ period that feels like another time altogether – I used to love to eat out. Although I am a moderately good cook (and my husband a willing sous-chef), there is so much to be said for it.

Making an Occasion

First, it is such a nice way to make an ‘occasion’. We put on somewhat nicer clothes (and, for some restaurants, much nicer clothes) and feel we are already in a different-from-normal situation.

We are waited on, of course, and have the pleasure of choosing what we will eat that day. It is fun to choose different things from the menu and taste each other’s choices.

We can sit and talk for as long as we want, with someone bringing food or drink as needed. If it is somewhere with a view, so much the better.

New Dishes

Eating out also gives the chance to eat food we don’t normally eat – and sometimes I discover something I feel I could make at home. If I am keen on a dish, I will ask the chef how he or she makes it.

I also love the way some restaurants make food look especially inviting. We do that a little at home, but with much less of the flair – no swirls in the soup or parsley artfully scattered.

New Ideas

Sometimes, it is simply a matter of a new idea about food.

We once had an anniversary dinner at the Connaught Hotel in London, with its very special surroundings (a handsome room with wood panelling), and it then had a well-known female chef.

At the end of the meal, after a very delicious dessert, the waiter brought a simple basket of large dark Italian cherries. I would never have known it, but cherries are just the thing to settle the digestion after a large meal.

Every time I eat cherries, I think of that occasion.

Special Meals

I have some clear memories of particular meals, often served outdoors somewhere in Europe (or ‘on the continent’, as we say in England).

A totally unexpected platter of prawns, herbed vegetables, and garlic bread, beautifully laid out, provided by a very unpretentious hotel in the Basque area of Spain. It had no restaurant, but we had asked if they could rustle up something simple because we didn’t want to drive further that evening.

The seafood platter served on the terrace of a beautifully situated hotel in the French Alps, not far from Chamonix. The food was not only delicious but happened to be accompanied by a distant small avalanche within our view.

The seven-course vegetarian meal, each course more inventive than the last, in a restaurant in the Auvergne area of France. I love good vegetables, but they are so rare in good restaurants, as chefs usually focus on the meat.

To add to the surprise (we had chosen the place because it had a Michelin star), but when we arrived, they told us with regret that they had lost the star, but we had an out-of-date guide and therefore did not know that.

I could go on.

The Downside

But there are some things I don’t like at all about eating out. I don’t like the bowing and scraping of elegant waiters, asking constantly “Did you enjoy the meal?” Indeed, I don’t like that question in any restaurant. I don’t want my napkin placed into my lap when I sit down.

I don’t want a waiter pouring my wine or water every time I take a few sips. Indeed, one of our tests of a good restaurant is whether the waiter will desist from this, once we make it clear we prefer to pour our drinks ourselves.

Mutual Pleasure

Eating out should feel like there is a mutual pleasure between the restaurant staff and you, the customer. You may or may not meet the chef, but the person bringing the food should feel enthusiastic about it and greet your interest and comments with warmth, not formality.

Preferably, they make you feel that they want nothing better than to please you. Such restaurants are hard to find, but they are the ones we keep going back to.

In recent years, our favourite restaurant met all these criteria. The premises were not remotely fancy, but the food was perfectly cooked tapas of all kinds, brought to the table hot from the kitchen in whatever order it was cooked.

Because we ate there frequently, we got to know the people who ran it and could joke with them about all sorts of things. And then, a year ago, they told us the sad news that they were closing, as they wanted to move on to other activities.

We never managed to replace it.

All Change

But since Covid-19 has been upon us, we have not eaten out once. I don’t like the idea of being served by people in masks. It changes the nature of the occasion. Perhaps I will learn, but we haven’t tried.

One of life’s losses for the moment.

I heard an expression the other day that stopped me in my tracks. It had the ring of a famous saying, although that turned out not to be the case. But more importantly, it had some real profundity. It said, simply, “Life ends in the middle of a sentence.”

Getting Your Life in Order

Life ending in the middle of a sentence basically means that the end of life is not tidy. And, I suspect, that is absolutely right.

The issue is essentially about getting – or not getting – your life “in order.” How many times have people spoken to you about this? It is one of those phrases that people start to use once they are over a certain age.

And those of us who have reached that certain age also begin to think about it. When the end comes, as it must someday, we want to be ready.

This sense of readiness can be about your mental state­ – making peace with yourself and others – or it can be about your things and your activities. It is the latter I want to address here.

Some people, may have already met this readiness goal. They will have carefully downsized both where they live and what they own.

In the process, they will have sorted all those old papers, with many thrown away and the important ones carefully organised. Their books will have been sorted and cut down to a minimum.

More significantly, they will have handed down all the precious memory-filled items that they wanted to ensure landed in the hands of a particular daughter or son. Or, perhaps, grandchild or, indeed, friend. They will have read through their last will and made sure it is in a safe place.

In sum, all that stuff that seems to accumulate over the years will have been substantially reduced. Everything will be in its place.

The process of ‘cleaning up’ after their demise will be easy. They will have left no mess behind. Congratulations are due.

Real Life

But is it really that easy? Can most of us be quite so fully organised? We may have tidy plans and a wish to do the right thing, but I question whether we can ever have such orderly lives. And, most importantly, would we wish to do so?

The image of everything being in its rightful place suggests that we have had our lunch, tidied up, put the plates away and are sitting quietly in an armchair waiting for the Grim Reaper to knock on the door.

In truth, life is not like that. We all have projects of one kind or another. For me, it is writing; for others it may be painting or knitting a special outfit for a grandchild or planning the next holiday.

Human beings don’t often put their feet up and wait. They get restless, they mooch around, and they get themselves stuck into something that interests them.

Even if they don’t have exact plans, they may well have dreams. This came home to me very vividly when I was looking after a man who was dying of AIDS roughly 30 years ago. We were writing a book together about living with AIDS and had become good friends.

He had done comparatively well, living longer than anyone expected, but his body was beginning to let him down. As someone active in the AIDS community, he was well aware of his situation. I helped him out where I could.

Among the errands, he asked of me was to post a letter, together with a coupon, to a company offering a free trip to the Caribbean to a lucky winner in several months’ time. I remember walking to the nearest post box wondering why I was doing this obviously pointless task.

But I knew that such dreams were part of what was keeping him alive. In fact, he died two weeks later.

My Own Experience

Although I would dearly love to know that my life was “in order,” I have not yet tackled this process. I keep thinking about downsizing, but like St. Augustine and chastity, I say, “Oh Lord, not yet.”

I have thrown away a lot of papers, given away many books, and made some lists that will make life easier for my children when they come to cope with my death.

But I have not yet moved from a large house, suitable for when my children were home, and still own a lot of things that should properly be moved elsewhere.

More importantly, I have numerous projects still to go. I am nearly finished with one book and am planning another. There are books I want to read.

My family photographs are in a mess and need to be sorted if those who remain behind want to know who was who. A long list of things To Be Done sits on my desk.

And there are aims for the future that will never get finished. I want to see my grandsons grow up and find out what they choose to do with their lives. If I live long enough, I will feel the same about any potential great-grandchildren. So, there is no end ever in sight.

We don’t stop until we are stopped. At that point, we will be in the middle of loads of things. There will always be a long To Do list. In short, we will be in the middle of a sentence.

And this is how it should be.

This was first published on SixtyandMe.com (see https://sixtyandme.com/getting-your-life-in-order-before-it-ends-too-soon-can-it-ever-be-accomplished/)

Time is a very strange phenomenon. For most of our lives, we don’t have enough. We struggle with children and jobs and housework and think “If only I had more time, I would get on with…” whatever it is we hope to do.

Even in our older years, days seem to disappear. It may be grandchildren instead of children and volunteer work instead of jobs, but there are still things we mean to do – but don’t. Or there are things we do, but feel we could do more of, if only there was more time.

It Doesn’t Feel Like There Is More Time Now

And here we are, presented with vast stretches of time, since the widespread shutdowns mean we are unable to do the things we used to. We cannot visit the grandchildren, never mind friends, and we cannot even get out for long.

Indeed, if we fall in a category labelled “old,” we are not supposed to do much. We are told to stay at home and keep healthy. Suddenly, there is loads of time.

But are we doing all these things we meant to do? For the most part, my guess is no. You meant to clean out the attic or sort out all those books, but those jobs have been forgotten for the moment.

Or perhaps you meant to learn Spanish or flower arranging or some other worthwhile past-time. It could all be done virtually, yet you probably haven’t. Or there were books you wanted to sit down to read.

You thought there would be loads of time. But somehow it doesn’t feel that way.

Where Does the Time Go?

So, where does our time go? Perhaps you have trouble sleeping and sleep late, as a result. There is the news that we need to keep up with. And your children phone frequently to check how you are, not to mention that long lost friend who rang yesterday morning and spent an hour discussing the virus situation.

Shopping is time consuming and often irritating, because stock isn’t there and people push in. Meals take longer, as you probably prepare it yourself, and then there is the news again.

And, of course, there is trying to keep healthy. In the UK, we are encouraged to have a short period of exercise outdoors, and I do try to get out, walking briskly in my quiet neighbourhood.

I also set myself the goal of running up and down the stairs every day – very good cardio work, but never done before. And I do some yoga on a mat at home. You may do different things.

Not to mention all the activities you undertake to try to lower anxiety and keep yourself calm. Some like jigsaw puzzles. Or adult colouring books. Some do gardening, even puttering about with plants in a flat. Some do actual meditation.

And before you know it, the day is done.

And it is the same the next day, with different permutations. Ground Hog day, as several people have observed. No time for getting on with all those other plans.

Being Unsettled

But time is not really the issue. The real problem is your state of mind. You are restless, you can’t settle. You are worried about elderly and vulnerable relatives.

You are worried about the impact of the economic changes on your financial situation – not to mention that of your children and their families.

Your emotions are running high, your mind lacks any clarity, and it is no time for getting things done. There is always tomorrow.

How do I know all this? I have talked to loads of friends and it is a common lament.

But I am also a writer. I write books where different kinds of people (including grandmothers) talk about their lives.

Writers need to be self-disciplined in order to produce their books. In normal times, they must be able to negotiate the distractions all around them, including their own family, to get down to work. They tend to put on invisible blinkers to get themselves in the right frame of mind to push out the words.

I recently posted a short note on two Facebook groups for writers (generally used to ask technical questions, as well as for support) saying I found it difficult to write in the last weeks.

I expected five or ten replies in both cases, at most. In fact, I received over 100 replies on each site from writers all over the world, almost all describing their inability to settle. And hating it.

If those of us who are used to coping with distraction can’t settle, what hope is there for everyone else?

Outliers

Of course, there will always be some who say, “What is all the fuss about?” They are clearing their attics or reading those long books and generally taking advantage of all this available time. Even writers managing to write. More power to them. They are the lucky ones.

But if you are not, don’t be too hard on yourself. If you have ‘lost’ a few weeks, it really doesn’t matter in the long term. Concentrate on what you can do. And most of all, you are not alone.

Postscript

Yes, it has been a difficult time. Some of us have lost loved ones. Almost everyone will emerge poorer for one reason or another. It will eventually be a greyer world – at least for a while.

But it will end. And then you may feel more at peace with yourself and be able to take advantage of free time. Even before that, some may even begin to see some glimpses of a calmer head. This article is the first I have produced in three to four weeks. But I am pleased to see that it is written.

And I hope it helps.

This was first published on SixtyandMe.com (see https://sixtyandme.com/about-time-can-we-ever-have-enough-of-it/)

In these new and – as everyone says – ‘unprecedented’ times, we are all stuck indoors, with a lot of time on our hands. I don’t know about you, but I am watching a lot more television than usual.

This has made me reminisce about all the good programmes I have watched over the years. I was thinking that the people responsible for planning programmes should put on repeats of some wonderful series from decades past.

It has also reminded me of the children’s TV I have been exposed to over my life. Would you like to take a trip down memory lane with me?

Children’s Television When We Were Children

In my own case, there was very little TV at all.

Growing up as a small child in Washington, DC, in the late 1940s, there was only one TV show for kids (or perhaps the only one I knew about, but I am sure there weren’t many at all). It was called The Howdy-Doody Show, and all I can remember is the beautiful (as I saw her) Princess SummerFall WinterSpring. I wanted to be her when I grew up.

My parents didn’t have a TV, so every day the show was on, I would walk up three doors in my street to my friend’s house where we would watch it together, sitting side by side on the floor. I suspect is was actually pretty terrible.

Anyone else remember this programme?

By the early 1950s, there were more shows, including one where you could submit your artwork and win a prize, with your name then read out on the programme. Although I always was (and remain) a terrible artist, I submitted something and won a prize. That sort of thing stays with you.

Just as children’s TV was really taking off, I was growing too old for it. I do recall The Micky Mouse Show, which involved real children. I saw this occasionally when looking after younger children and still remember the music and the marching around.

Later Children’s TV

As we all know, television programmes for children mushroomed over time. It wasn’t until I had small children, in the 1970s and 80s that I took any interest. There was a wealth of choice, including some fairly awful cartoons.

But without doubt, the best of these programmes was Sesame Street. I watched this regularly with both my children and felt I knew it well. It was genuinely fun to watch by adults, as well as by children.

Indeed, not long ago, I was writing to a friend and apologising for making a mistake. And quick as a flash, the song came to me, “Everyone makes mistakes and so do I!”.

Anyone who watched Sesame Street for any time would remember this. It was sung by Big Bird. I can still visualise him (her?) singing it, rocking to the beat with enthusiasm. I can certainly sing the tune.

Many of the characters remain with me still. Big Bird is easy to remember. Also, Bert and Ernie, with their philosophical discussions. And Miss Piggie, who was memorable, but much less interesting.

But my favourite was Kermit the Frog, singing “,” a sad song for all people who feel they are somehow misfits. I watched it recently, and it remains incredibly poignant. As one of the comments below the video says, “It made me laugh and cry at the same time.” Do have a listen for yourself.

I’m not sure there has ever been better children’s TV in terms of style as well as content. Certainly, Peppa Pig, which is the only programme I watched with my grandchildren, was very anodyne in comparison.

The Influence of TV

There was a time when people used to worry about the influence of television on children. I don’t feel that it had much influence on me, although my generation had much less to watch, and it is difficult to know in any case.

I never worried much about its influence on my children, although that doesn’t mean I was right. Nowadays, people worry about computer games instead. But that is another story.

In any case, I suspect there are whole cohorts of older people who remember the same TV shows from their own childhood or that of their children or even grandchildren.

Now that we must stay home for our own safety, perhaps we can look for those TV shows we liked the best and watch them again.

(This article was initially published by SixtyandMe (see https://sixtyandme.com/watching-more-tv-these-days-lets-remember-childrens-tv-programmes-from-our-past/

Do you remember when you thought your parents were so out of date, it was almost embarrassing? They didn’t know anything about the music you listened to. And all sorts of words that seemed really sophisticated to you were unknown to them.

Well, the world turns, as we know, and suddenly you may find that you aren’t in much a different situation.

There are numerous ways in which I feel no longer up to date. Here, I want to talk about words. Before you read further and panic, there is a glossary below.

A Whole New Vocabulary

I knew that young people like to use words differently. What I did not know was how much they like to do so. I asked my 13-year-old grandson for a few examples and was overwhelmed by his response.

These may be international or limited to England or, indeed, South London teenagers. I have subsequently been told that some are quite old, yet still unknown to me.

Are there any peng foods out there? Or are they all butters?

Do you have friends who are extra? Are they sick? Are you ever salty? Or gassed?

There are many more, but this gives you an idea.

Yes, it is hard to keep up. Certainly for me. Sometimes I feel I come from another planet. Perhaps you are doing better.

Acronyms

I always knew there were acronyms, very popular on social media and to some extent texts. I have used some in my time, like FYI, which goes back to working in an office in the 1960s, or ETA, which is very old.

I have even learned a few new ones in recent years, such as LOL and FOMO.

Again, I asked a younger friend who uses Facebook a lot for a few examples and was taken aback by the variety. She told me about IRL and IKR and BAE.

I asked a different friend for advice last week, nothing to do with this article, and he signed off HTH. I had to write to ask what that meant.

Do any of these mean anything at all to you? If so, you are doing well!

Emojis

I don’t know whether to call emojis ‘words’ or something else. As a writer, I don’t like them, as it is with words that we can best specify precisely what we want to say. I have certainly never used an emoji in my life.

But I do receive them. Sometimes, I get one attached to a text message, and I have no idea what emotion it is supposed to convey. How are we supposed to know?

Do You Try to Keep Up?

We older people have a choice. We can accept our position as oldies and get on with our lives.

Or we can try to fit in. Which can lead to problems. David Cameron, when he was Prime Minister not that long ago, famously used LOL in a text, thinking it meant Lots of Love. But no, it meant Laugh Out Loud. The world tittered, but he had my sympathy.

I know where I belong. I have not heard of the singers who are well known to my children, not to mention grandchildren. Nor do I have the vocabulary to distinguish the multiple forms of what we used to call simply ‘pop’ music.

Newspapers are awash with stories of the antics of celebrities whose names are unknown to me. Very odd.

Once you get used to your place in this particular hierarchy, it is fine.

And Remember

Our grandchildren cannot easily imagine being old themselves. But we know it will happen, even if we are not around to see it. And we know that they will suddenly find themselves out of date. Good luck to them.

As I wrote above, the world keeps turning.

A Basic Glossary

Peng                     good looking or good tasting food

Butters                 the opposite to peng

Extra                    being over-dramatic about everything

Sick                      something that is ‘awesome’

Salty                    being angry or sore loser

Gassed                very proud of yourself, really happy

FYI                       for your information

ETA                      expected time of arrival

LOL                     laugh out loud

FOMO                 fear of missing out

IRL                      in real life

IKR                      I know, right?

TFW                    that feeling when

BAE                     significant other (may come from Before All Else, but derivation disputed)

HTH                   hope that helps

I would like to thank my grandson, James, for his help with this article.  It was first published by Sixtyandme (see https://sixtyandme.com/as-a-boomer-do-you-feel-out-of-date-in-todays-modern-world/)

This article was first written before the coronavirus struck the world. It has even more cogency now.

Death and dying do not make for a jolly subject of any conversation, but it is part of life. And none of us is getting any younger. Is death or dying something you think about very much?

You may prefer to think it will never happen and leave it at that. But if you are one of those people who like to prepare themselves for what is coming down the line, you might want to give it a passing glance from time to time.

As We Grow Older

I am not obsessed with death, but it does cross my mind on occasion – and probably increasingly. Before I was 60, I rarely gave it much thought at all. The possibility of dying seemed almost as remote as it did when I was a child, which is to say it was over a very distant horizon.

Now that I am in the second half of my 70s, I have to face the fact that my remaining years are increasingly limited. The statistics are not brilliant as you grow older, for obvious reasons. And, with each quickly passing year, they only get worse.

None of us knows when we’ll die, of course, but it is time to begin to recognise the situation.

Yes, some of us live well into our 90s – and centenarians are becoming much more common. I even have good health and good genes, my parents having lived to age 90 and 91 respectively.

Yet, these are details. The truth is, we will grow older and frailer and will have to face the end, sooner or later. In the words of a young woman living with AIDS, quoted in my book on the subject some years ago, “You haven’t got forever any more.”

Dying

Is it the moment of dying that worries you?

Although some people die in great distress, the much greater likelihood is that you will do so fairly peacefully. The profession of palliative care is getting increasingly clever at keeping people pain free. In the coming years, it can only get better.

I haven’t reached the stage of thinking where I would want to be – or, indeed, where I am likely to be.

Nor do I often think about my own funeral. Occasionally, when I hear a particularly beautiful piece of music, I will say casually, “You can play that at my funeral.” But in fact, it would be better played at a funeral I was attending during my lifetime as I would actually hear it.

Being Gone

Or is it the fact of no longer living that worries you? Of no longer being there to enjoy the many pleasures of life? Or no longer being there for your family and friends, some of whom may rely on you?

These are undoubtedly ‘heavy’ issues, which you may want to prepare for.

In fact, we do make many preparations without thinking of them as such. The urge to ‘downsize’ stems partly from the wish to make our passing easier for those who must administer your things. Perhaps you have done this for someone else and it came home to you how very complex such matters are.

Visits to long-lost relations – or friends you don’t see very often – may also be stimulated by the thought of doing so before it is ‘too late’. Such thoughts may remain un-articulated but are nonetheless real for everyone concerned.

Death of Loved Ones

If anything, I think less about my own death and more about the possible death of my husband, as statistically, this is the more likely first event.

Having been married almost all our adult lives, it is scary to think about being alone. Those of you who are already widowed will doubtless know what I mean.

Writing About Death

Although I really am not obsessed with death, I have written two books dealing with two different aspects of it.

One was about young people with HIV and AIDS, all of whom were dying because there had been no cure back then. It is not a morbid book at all, but it is an honest one about people facing an early death.

I was impressed with their resilience and called it Wise Before Their Time, because that is what I felt they were.

The second is about people who work with the dying. I had worked as a volunteer in a hospice and found it fascinating that so many people could go to work each day to help others die. I interviewed nurses, doctors, chaplains of various faiths, administrators, and even a very reflective chef.

I called it Life in a Hospice, because this is what it was about – the living before the dying.

Preparation

I recently watched a TV interview with Sir Ian McKellen, who always struck me as a very thoughtful man. I also have a soft spot for him as he wrote a terrific Foreword for my book about people with AIDS.

Himself in his 80s, he said he did think about death quite often and had even planned his own funeral. (And noted that he thought it sounded like such a good occasion, he wondered if he could plan an early dress rehearsal so he could attend).

He surmised that old people thought about death a lot, because it was a form of preparation. When the time actually came, it probably helped them to feel that they are ready.

(This was initially published by SixtyandMe. See https://sixtyandme.com/thinking-about-dying-doesnt-have-to-be-morbid/)

Usually, when anyone writes about the joys of bed, they are thinking of one of two things: the pleasures of a good night’s sleep or, alternatively, of sex. I am a great believer in both, but I am not writing about either here.

No, bed means more than either of these activities.

Taking a Rest

First, lets face it. As we grow older, we also grow tired. Some days I have plenty of energy, but some days I have very little. I get out of bed in the morning and immediately wish I were back there. Or half-way through the day, I need a bit of a lie-down.

I find a number of friends also say the same, especially the older ones.

For the first time since we were of pre-school age, some of us begin to take a nap – either every day or now and then. I am reluctant to take a proper (sleeping) nap, because it leaves me unable to get to sleep at night. I envy those who can do so with impunity.

But there is nonetheless a great benefit in a rest. I recall, as a small child, being told I had to spend an hour lying on my bed and was allowed to do anything except (which I called “be-cept”) reading.

Now, we can read, we can listen to the radio or to audio books (I favour programmes stored for this purpose on my iPod).

Or we can just lie there and think our own thoughts. It is a very peaceful time and can be very restorative. The trick, of course, is not to fall asleep!

Recent research seems to suggest that people who take occasional naps have a notably lower risk of heart-related disease and may live longer. I am not a medical doctor and cannot comment on this, but I found it interesting.

A Cuddle and a Chat

The other use of a bed is also restorative, but in a different way. You lie down with your partner, with no sexual intentions of any kind, and just give each other time to discuss anything that is on either of your minds.

It is a good time to review ideas, mull over plans for the future, and just explore how you are feeling about life in general.

Although it may result in some general or even particular decisions, it should not feel purposeful. On the contrary, it is time to let your mind wander over anything, including your relationship.

Lying down with someone is a very intimate activity, even when nothing physical is involved. Being prone on a bed seems to make you let down your guard, so that you are more willing to talk easily.

Sometimes, the fact that you can’t actually see each other makes it less intimidating than sitting at a table or in a living room. It is not surprising that lying down is the chosen posture for people in some forms of psychotherapy.

These chats can happen early in the morning, when you are just waking up, or, indeed, at night before going to sleep. But they can also happen in the middle of the day, when it feels even more special.

The older I get, the more I value this form of ‘together’ time.

Other Family Members

Interestingly, it can also be a time of intimacy with other family members. One grandson, who spends roughly one night a week at our house, loves to climb into bed with Granddad in the morning. (Long ago, said Granddad agreed to sleep in the nearby spare room to allay any worries in the night.)

This early morning time has become one of many rituals, when they talk about anything and everything, and is sadly missed if for any reason (like waking up too late to have the time before school) it is impossible to accommodate.

An Indian woman in my book about grandmothers’ lives also describes such moments with her grandchildren as very special: “You can’t buy that happiness anywhere,” she says.

This was initially published by sixtyandme.  See https://sixtyandme.com/the-many-joys-lying-in-bed-can-bring-to-a-senior-woman/

I heard a simple quote years ago, but back then didn’t understand the meaning. I had to look it up to check.

In fact, I remembered it wrong. I thought it was Groucho Marx who said “The best reason to have children is in order to have grandchildren.” But nope, it seems to have been Gore Vidal, who wrote, “Never have children – just grandchildren!”

And Lois Wyse, a prolific American author, wrote, “If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first!”

If you’re a grandmother, you probably really ‘get’ these quotes.

Being a Mother or a Grandmother

When you have grandchildren, especially if you see them fairly frequently, you are likely to develop a special bond with them. Not inevitably, but it is a very common experience.

And you may begin to wonder why being a grandmother is so much easier and fun than it ever was being a mother.

I think there are a lot of answers.

Handing Them Back

Grandmothers themselves often comment on how nice it is to have children around, but how good it is to be able to hand them back at the end of a long day.

Yes, hooray to that. Long days with small children are tiring at any age, but especially as we grow older. All you want is to lie down or take a bath or pour yourself a glass of wine. Perhaps all three.

But, as frequent an explanation this is, I don’t really think it is the main story.

Spoiling Them

Others say that the real reason grandchildren are so enjoyable is that you can spoil them – give them that extra piece of cake or let them do what they want a bit longer.

You would never have done that for your own children, because you felt responsible for giving them the right attitudes and self-discipline.

And, indeed, discipline is the other side of the coin. You were always on the alert to teach your children, whether the consequences of their actions or thoughtfulness or even just good manners and much more. If they did not behave as you thought they should, it was down to you to set it right.

As grandparents, we don’t feel this need so strongly. Some of us may want to teach good values and attitudes to our grandchildren, but we know it is not our responsibility. We may well try to fit in with the values of the parents, but for the most part we can relax.

I do think this may be part of the explanation, but again not the whole of the story.

We Are Older and Wiser

Yes, we are certainly older and like to feel that we are wiser. And we probably are. Because we are often retired, we are not so beset with other demands, such as work to be done in the house or elsewhere. We can relax.

And, of course, if you are relaxed, you can stop and enjoy children to the fullest. Some of us did so the first time around with our children, but many of us did not succeed. I know I didn’t.

So, what is going on?

A Different Relationship

I think grandparenting is a very complex ‘virtuous circle’ that improves over time (i.e., the opposite of a ‘vicious circle’, where things go wrong and get worse).

In the early days, grandparents are usually excited to have a baby or small children in the house again. They are often more relaxed anyway, being older and under fewer pressures, and want to please the grandchildren in any way they can.

In addition, it is not uncommon for grandparents – either consciously or unconsciously – to want to ‘make up’ for their faults as parents. They may have been too sharp with their own children or too quick to judge them and now is the chance to do it all better.

At the same time, the grandchildren come to the grandparents with their good manners (we instinctively know we should behave at our best in other people’s houses). They sense the love and the welcome.

This makes for a great start. Both want to please the other, while both feel the other is ‘special’ because they are family. And because both sides are so easy and comfortable with each other, it just carries on that way, strengthened further by the presence of love.

Everyone at their Best

They see us at our best and we see them at their best. What could be better?

And there is little or none of the tensions that can quickly develop when things are going wrong at home, whether between the parents or, indeed, between them and the children.

As the children grow and develop, they bring their new accomplishments to the grandparents with great pride. And we grandparents respond accordingly. A natural bond is readily sealed by all this love and time.

Even ­when – or perhaps I should say ‘especially when’ – the grandchildren become teenagers and tend to rebel against their parents, our house can be a place of calm. They have no wish to rebel against us.

Some Exceptions

Of course, relationships will be different where you see the grandchildren infrequently, for there is so much less time for this bond to develop.

It will also be different where grandparents are raising their grandchildren full time, for instance, due to sickness, divorce or other problems in the middle generation.

Here, grandparents are acting in the role of parents and lack the opportunity to be grandparents in the way described.

The View from Below

I have frequently heard my children commenting, “My goodness, he behaves so differently in your house,” or, “I wish he would act like this at home.” We smile and feel innocent, and they wonder how we do it.

And long may it last.

Read more about being a grandmother in my book, Celebrating Grandmothers.

This was initially published on sixtyandme.com. See Sixtyandme.com/why-being-a-grandmother-is-easier-than-being-a-mother/

Nearly thirty years ago, when HIV/AIDS was rampant, I became close friends with a young man diagnosed with the disease. He was very active in the AIDS world and was organising an international conference of people with HIV and AIDS, to be held in London.

These were the dark days when most people with HIV/AIDS were young (mostly gay men and drug dependent, but there were others, too) – and to be diagnosed was to be given a death sentence.

My friend told me that he had asked everyone attending the conference to send in ‘their story’ with their application.

I was immediately struck by the potentially fascinating nature of such stories and he agreed that I could compile them into a book, a task with which he would like to help. I subsequently arranged for two interviewers to come to the conference (held over five days) to talk with participants about their lives. We managed to interview over 20 attendees from all over the world

Wise Before their Time was the result of these two sorts of contributions, published initially by HarperCollins in 1992 and subsequently re-published by Glenmore Press in 2017 with a new introduction.

But why the title? Despite being young, the people we interviewed seemed wise beyond their years. Something happened in the course of their learning how to cope with the many physical manifestations of their disease, along with the huge stigma attached to it by everyone (including many doctors).

Much like very old people, they realised that they did not have long to live, but needed to live wisely and well. They readily separated the important from the unimportant aspects of life and became deep, impressive men and women.

I was very pleased when Sir Ian McKellen agreed to write a Foreword, in which he stated that these true stories were “as powerful as any great classic of fiction”.

The title emerged from my thinking about their situation and their qualities. It may not convey much to the potential readership (which makes it a poor title). but it was my way of honouring the wonderful people who contributed to the book. I was never able to follow them up (this was long before the days of email and mobile telephones), but wherever I tried to do so, they had died within a year or two.

My friend died six months before the book was published. He, too, was wise before his time.

This book is only of historical interest, as it does not describe the experiences of people with AIDS now. But it is immensely moving – indeed uplifting – and is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.

Why not buy now and see for yourself?

A few years ago, I wrote a book called ‘Celebrating Grandmothers’. Some people wonder what the title was all about. Was it a good title or, in retrospect, should I have given it a different one?

The purpose of a book title

Book titles are supposed to catch the reader’s eye. But they are also supposed to give that reader the flavour of a book and a sense of what is inside. I found this difficult because the underlying messages of this book are rich and complex – and hard to communicate in a catchy title.

The working title (what you call a book during the writing process) was Being a Grandmother, but that sounds exceedingly boring. Out come all the clichés – old, grey, dull! And very static.

So, what to do? An American journalist, who subsequently published a not dissimilar but very successful book, called her book Becoming Grandma. That, rather cleverly, communicates a sense movement. I wish I had thought of that.

Communicating enthusiasm

I wanted something positive – but not too much so. Most grandmothers light up when you ask them about their grandchildren – they genuinely sparkle. How to communicate that fact without going over the top? I thought the word ‘celebrating’ would provide a sense of enthusiasm.

But not all grandmothers are happy with their lot. I also had to manage the complexity of family situations. Some grandmothers live far away from their families and ache with longing to see them. Some have difficult family relationships. I didn’t want these to feel excluded from the book, as they are very well covered in it.

Is this a good title?

Like many other things in life, the answer is complicated.

I had liked the ambiguity of the title. Is ‘celebrating’ a verb or an adjective? Is it the act of celebrating grandmothers or is it about grandmothers who are celebrating something? In fact, no one has ever asked.

But it really doesn’t convey very much. One might think the whole book is in praise of grandmothers, which it really isn’t. You wouldn’t guess from the title that it conveys the inner thoughts of a wide range of women about many aspects of grandmotherdom – the image, the difficulties and the many joys.

Fortunately, the sub-title conveys what the book is about – grandmothers talk about their lives – but I sometimes think there should have been something more up front.

Yet the best aspect of the title is that it is a nice one to give as a present – many women have found that it makes a perfect gift, in part because of the title.  How nice, in short, to give  your mother a book called ‘Celebrating Grandmothers’.  In fact, I never thought of that at the time.

Are you a grandmother? Read and find out what you think.

Celebrating Grandmothers can be purchased as a paperback from Amazon and from bookstores, distributed by Ingram. It is also available as an e-book from Amazon and other e-book providers, such as Apple, Kobo and others.